No?

Saying No 

How much does saying no to things make you feel uncomfortable?

How many times have you said yes to something because it felt easier to do so.. even though it was the last thing that you wanted to do?

I’ve been there and I still go there from time to time.

I remember being told ‘oh, you’re such a yes person’ and it felt like a massive pat on the back. 

And the one day, at a therapy session I declared ‘but I want to be a no person’.

Because saying yes to everything got so exhausting and I was putting everyones needs in front of my own.

And really, that’s what saying no is all about - listening to your own needs and acting upon them. 

I have a story from earlier this year to share with you - at the time it felt so big, SO uncomfortable and make absolutely no sense to me.

Go back to pre-pandemic times and I’d been a bridesmaid at least 12 times. Being a bridesmaid is always fun but I was done with it. ‘Aways a bridesmaid and never the bride’ would go through my head but I’d go to the point that I just wanted to go to a wedding and enjoy being there. Fully embrace the love, fun, celebration without being on any sort of duty.

At some point in late 2019 or early 2020 I met a friend for a coffee and as I was walking to the coffee shop I was on the phone to another friend saying ‘if I’m ever asked to be a bridesmaid, I’m going to say no.’

Hahahahaaa..

We sit down. Order coffee. Receive coffee. Drink coffee. Chat.

‘Izi, will you be my bridesmaid?’

My heart sinks. But my smile grows bigger.

‘Oh I would love to’.

Oh Fuck. I’ve done it again. Said yes to something that inside is a no. 

But I don’t want to upset or disappoint. I don’t want to cause someone else distress. 

So I head home, heavy hearted, feeling guilty but glad I could make someone else feel happier. 

Pandemic hits. Life is paused. No need to think about being a bridesmaid.

Pandemic ends. Bridesmaid chat resumes.

I feel sick. I feel more guilt. I feel shame. I feel that I’ve hurt myself.

So with every single cell of courage I had in me, I wrote a letter to the bride saying I couldn’t be a bridesmaid. Saying that I’m learning to listen to my needs. I said no. 

One the way to the postbox, I rang my mum. I knew, for me, I was doing the right thing but I needed the support and one last sound board.

With the Cornish post you never really know how long something is going to take to get to its destination. Second class might arrive the next day, first class might take 10 days.

So I carried on with my week, patiently waiting to hear from the bride.

The saying no went down okay initially - I’m so fortunate to have the most caring and loving friends and she reached out to me to check I was okay. 

I was okay but I was still petrified. Saying no felt like the world might rip apart underneath me. Deep down I knew I’d be okay though.

I had another test from the universe - the bride asked me if I really meant no. And I had to sit on it. Spent some time drawing it out in my head.

But no was still the answer. 

Various too-ing and fro-ing, conversations and texts and it was a firm no from me (with so much love). 

And I didn’t end up going to the wedding at all.

And that hurt. But that felt right too. Not because I didn’t want to celebrate their love for each other, but because at that time in my life I needed to spend time by myself in my beautiful cottage, in the countryside, amongst the people local to me.

I’ve not spoken to the bride since before the wedding but I knew that saying no was the right thing in this situation. I couldn’t put on a fake smile and pretend that I wanted to be a bridesmaid - that would have felt even worse.

Was I selfish? Maybe you think so.

Was I a total bitch? Maybe you think so too.

But we can’t live our lives trying to please everyone. We can’t live our lives saying yes to everything when you know that it doesn’t feel right to you.

When learning to say no (or yes!), there’s no right or wrong way around it. You might want to start small and gradually build on it. You might want to jump in at the deep end.

There is no right or wrong way to go about it.

Grow in confidence with it, be true to yourself.

Stay Wild,

Izi xx