Shame.

How well do you know shame? Like, really know it?

Or how much do you try and push it down and pretend that it doesn’t exist? 

The latter may have felt the easier way to deal with it.. until shame feels so strong that it keeps you stuck in one place. It feels like it sucks your soul.

Shame is deep, I’d say it can be felt in my core sometimes. 

I’d say that it doesn’t have one root, just like any emotion or belief. 

Other people put shame on you (but remember, that’s a reflection of their shame). Someone makes a comment about the state of your house? That’s their belief about what state a house should be kept in. 

We put shame on ourselves too - the feeling of shame for something that we have done or the way we feel. 

And what about society? I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I have felt shame for being a women - feeling dirty for having a period, feeling like I can’t express myself, noticing the shame rise as I run a business and employ others.

And then there’s the way we may have felt shamed as a child - for being ‘too’ noisy/loud/bossy. 

I’d say that shame keeps is in a low state. I wonder what the link is to depression and anxiety? 

For me, shame can creep in as being a women in my early 30’s, having created successful businesses, living by myself and paying all of my bills. I’ve felt shame for not following the crowd and creating my own path. 

Yes, it’s amazing and I feel so fortunate that I have the determination to have created it for myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t have both - shame and appreciation. 

I’ve felt shamed by people for saying no to them. I’ve felt shame for living the way I choose to live life when it doesn’t fit in with others agendas. 

I’ve been told ‘when I was your age I already had three children’ and ‘but Izi you’re the least businessy-type women I know’. 

So, I’m  re-educating myself on shame. I’m learning to sit with it. 

And how do I re-educate myself?

First, I notice that the shame is there. I sit in stillness (and sometimes get up 20 times to try and distract myself). And then I ask myself the following:

• What does it feel like?

• What does it look like?

• Where is it in my body?

• What does it take me back to?

• How can I give it some love?

• Is there anything that I want to say to it?

The more time I spend with it, the more time I spend getting to know it and love it, love it with SO much self-compassion.. 

.. the less it doesn’t scream and shout at me. The more it is just part of me and doesn’t rule me. 

I think of all emotions (especially the ones that you don’t want to sit with) like small children .

Imagine this..

You’re out with a friend for a coffee. You have a small child in tow with you.

You receive your coffee, start chatting and tell the child  ‘go and play over there’.

So off they go.

20 minutes or so later they come back, asking for you to play with them.

But you’re too busy chatting and you tell them to head off and play again.

10 minute later. They’re back. A bit grumpier this time.

Guess what.. you tell them to go again. 

5 minutes later they’re back but they loose their shit this time. Kicking and screaming. 

That’s the end of your coffee.

 You’re angry, pissed off with them, they ruined your bloody coffee with your friend. How dare they?

BUT..

They’re a small child. They don’t understand. All they wanted was some reassurance. Some acknowledgement. They wanted you to play with them for 5 minutes and they would have gone off. Or maybe they wanted you to introduce them to another child playing because they were too timid to do it themselves. But you kept sending them away.

And that’s what we do with our emotions. We push them away. We tell them that they’re getting in the way and ruining things.

So next time you’re feeling an emotion you don’t feel comfortable with, sit with it. Have a chat with it (just like you would a small child).

And over time it will stop kicking and screaming. It will stop ruling your life. 

All it wants is to be heard. To be loved. To be felt. And in return, it runs alongside you in life, it runs alongside all of your emotions and doesn’t feel the need to dominate.

Stay Wild,

Izi xx